Dan Jenkins of Yahoo Sports spawned a new style of sports-writing in 2007, when WR Plaxico Burress of the New York Giants was badly injured. Jenkins suggested that QB Eli Manning sing a sad song called “Oh, Oh, Plaxico” set to John Lennon’s “Oh, Oh, Yoko,” romantically pining for his best pass-catcher to return on Sundays. Jenkins’ trick was making the “Sports Lyrics” rhyme with the original song (not just with themselves) and when possible, matching the vibe of the artist too, in “Weird Al Yankovic” style. (The Geek had always hoped that the Divergent young adults’ franchise would have a hit VH1 video, for instance, because the Weird Al music video that came after it would have been called “Detergent.”)
Why not give it a shot? TGG has the talent that many people do for rewriting songs as we please. It’s very hard to hear “Do I Make You Feel Shy?” by the Dream Pop artist Connan Mockasin, and not hum these made-up lyrics instead:
I talked to a girl, that part’s easy
But here I am now feelin’ skeezy
If I changed these notes, it’d sound cheesy
So I guess we’ll just keep this breezy
2023 was time to try the sports-themed part of it. When few opportunities opened up for hockey bloggers to cover the IIHF World Juniors and Women’s World Championship, “best on best” events that out-draw IIHF Men’s Worlds in ratings, The Geek took a break from his Men’s world hockey beat to post the following song lyrics, set to the Chet Atkins-y tearjerker “Half a Person” by The Smiths:
I booked myself in at the I
Double I-H-F
I said the women’s games are best on best
The women’s games are best on best
And do you have a vacancy
For a beat reporter?
Oh, oh, oh
Of course, the $1,000,000 question is whether the idea works for Jefferson County football, in specific today’s subject…the I-55 Conference season of 2023. Let’s find out! But who will provide the famous song as our background music?
It’s gotta be “I Don’t Know” by Ozzy Osbourne.
People look to me and say
Is it a Blue Jays year, or will Lancers rule the day?
What’s the future at Herky High?
How would I know, Grandview’s size got me blind
They’ve got some hogs
(Bridge)
Nobody ever told me, I found out for myself
St. Vincent can ruin it for everyone
It’s not how Perryville plays,
it’s if they win or lose
Jefferson’s got shoes
But can they bruise?
The St. Pius roster is huge
It’s up to YOUUUUUUUUUUUU…
Really, it’s up to Mississippi Magazine, so we’d better get started forecasting the football year. But if anyone’s prepared to say TGG isn’t a real “meteorologist,” just a clown who fools around with song lyrics, consider that last year’s report of a “5-way battle” in the I-55 Conference wasn’t wrong, merely a mite early. It’s probably going to happen in the next 10-12 weeks, and at least 3 of our teams are poised to take MSHSAA’s small-school rankings into their own hands as the leaves turn.
Grandview Eagles
When Grantland Rice wrote “Trampling to Oblivion,” he was thinking about those cocky superstars who act like their sports records won’t become tiny footnotes within less than 100 years. Rice wasn’t thinking about against-the-grain prep football teams from the Midwest, if there even was such a thing at the time.
But the against-the-grain Grandview Eagles are vying to do something special, and win an I-55 Conference that’s been as dominated by individual players as the rest of Jeff County seems to have been in the 2020s. There are probably no “Cole Ruble” rushers or “Cole Rickermann” passers starring for the Birds of Prey in ’23. Most of the teams who have beaten GHS in the past will expect to do so again. Like the Oakland As’ “Moneyball” opponents of 2 decades ago, those teams may also find themselves trampled, rolled-over by a force as elemental as gravity.
You’ve got company, Seckman and Hillsboro. Grandview could have the biggest, weightiest hammer of an offensive line this side of Park Hills Central, breathing life into a brand that’s focused on power run-blocking since Dave Dallas and current HC Jason Kimminau rebooted the Varsity Eagles 5 years ago. 6’1″ and 265 lb. Xander Berrett goes into his senior year as one of several blockers and tacklers pushing 300 lbs. of conditioned mass for a Friday lineup that’s a year older, with exception of just 2 spots. Sophomore OT Ethan Smith is another road-grater to be excited in, and the massive Tucker Rhinehart is also finally ready for full-time Varsity duty. Class 1 contenders like St. Pius and Crystal City are glad to have several 200+ lb. players who are solid both ways. This season, Grandview could keep multiple 250-pound offensive and defensive linemen on the bench.
Don’t get confused – GHS brings plenty of skill to the gridiron too. Between rushers Nash Moore and Camron Hagen, and a wide pool of QBs with dual-threat ability, a premier scorer will emerge behind a line that makes everyone’s job easier in ’23. Grandview’s defense is no longer the “Interception Zone” that it was in 2021, but conference rivals will each be tested for their ability to creatively move the egg. There just won’t be a lot of “winning the LOS” against the Birds of Prey anymore. Defensively, the Grandview boys were already better than they were on offense last season, putting on a clinic against the championship Class 3 program St. Dominic until fatigue set-in for the smaller school around halftime.
The regular-season schedule finally appears to benefit GHS this fall. TGG had to laugh when rival boosters (who won’t be named here) accused Grandview of “ducking” Valle University due to one COVID-cancellation in 2020. Holy smokes, GHS had been meeting up with a State or District champion about once every other weekend before that, including Lutheran North and Scott City. Class 1 schools don’t schedule the St. Dominic Crusaders looking for an easy way out. If the Eagles weren’t going to just manufacture a dodgy schedule out of fear, it would probably take a stroke of luck to help the brave Birds. Now, they’ve got it.
The pesky Paris Coyotes have suspended 11-man football, allowing for GHS to play a manageable home game against Skyline in Week 1 (don’t worry, it’s not the “Skyline” we know from Texas that’s always ranked 3rd out of 1,360,942 teams nationally), and St. Dominic’s trip wound up being replaced with a trip to Hallsville in Week 4. The HHS Indians made the Class 1 District Finals last year, but still present a fairer matchup than a team competing with Lutheran St. Charles and MICDS for middle-tier state titles. Herculaneum must visit Grandview in Week 6 for a scrum that the green-as-grass Blackcats could have slim chances to win. Week 8’s foe St. Vincent graduated around 15 seniors this spring, and St. Pius X simply doesn’t have any seniors, giving both teams a whole lot to prove before meeting the Eagles in midseason. The Jefferson Blue Jays, who would do anything for an OL as mauling as Grandview’s in 2023, could still be GHS’s hardest opponent.
MSHSAA giveth, and MSHSAA taketh away. Grandview is also concerned about potentially moving up to Class 2 as of this Friday, a change that could bracket the Birds of Prey with teams like Valle U. and Duchesne in Week 10, not to mention nixing what could be a mega-fun 3 way race between Grandview, St. Pius, and Crystal City in a single Class 1 District. But the blog is convinced that neither Duchesne or Valle U. will be a true division-killer in the year of 2023.
Herculaneum Blackcats
Herky may regretfully be where Grandview was at Week 1 of last season, with a tremendous underclass OL/DL that isn’t old enough to win the line-of-scrimmage, leaving the team without a proven go-to weapon or a clear game plan. GHS was able to start 2-0 anyway, and build some type of solid momentum toward a season coaches knew would be superior to the last one, with so many big kids ready to push opponents around. Is Herky’s ’23 slate soft enough for the same trick?
Maybe not. Fredericktown’s “Blackcats” absorbed a surprise HC change following the strides made last season, giving Herculaneum High inroads on a successful game plan to win in Week 2. But before that, the Felines must travel to Windsor to attempt to “defend” 2022’s high-flying 42-7 victory. There isn’t much chance of doing so against a WHS team that’s stacked with seniors. Then there’s a Murderer’s Row of JHS, St. Vinny’s, SPX, and Grandview in 4/4 weeks.
Blane Boss can’t afford that kind of gauntlet while trying to steer a young squad to 6-5, but as MLB players say so often, it is what it is. Though if the school’s healthy tryout numbers continue to improve, Herculaneum could work its way right back into contention with 20+ upperclassmen on the field by the fall of 2024.
Jefferson Blue Jays
The Geek tried hard to agree with everything in the Jefferson County Leader football page last Thursday. Russell Korando is getting a grip on local pigskin at long last, and even whipped TGG’s tail with a vivid description of CCHS B-Back Caden Raffery as a power-runner “able to tear a truck apart with his hands.” Mississippi Magazine concurred with all of Korando’s “5 points” on 2023.
Until…
Ugh. Before signing off, the JCL football preview had to go and say that Jefferson County football – in so many words – is going to stink this season. A “massive talent drain” is going to strike our dozen teams, due to the graduations of Cole Ruble, Arhmad Branch, Jaxin Patterson, and Austin Romaine.
Crazy talk. Nuts. Horse doo-doo.
The Gridiron Geek has so many problems with the above remark that it’s hard to fit them all into print. For sure, all coaches wish they could hold onto their Division 1 athletes for another year. But the prodigious statistics that players like Branch and Patterson have produced are also a product of the rising tide of Jefferson County pigskin, not a sign that a few kids were holding up the effort by themselves. More than one QB – 3 of them, in fact – threw bombs to Branch for touchdowns before the receiver moved on to Purdue. Patterson got to play with a pair of quarterbacks swift enough to keep up with Jax on an option play, and still fire balls upfield. The 4 graduates who supposedly make a “talent drain” are from just 3 teams, anyway.
By contrast, look at the Division 1 talents we’ve seen passing through Jefferson County with average teams, or even pretty good teams. Pacific brought a Division 1 rusher to Midmeadow Lane in 2015 and was beaten by a .500 squad. Troy’s Collin Nichols couldn’t pay for more than one winning campaign with the Trojans. Bayless had an NCAA kid in Mark Patton last year – he was hurt by Week 5 and never made regional headlines. Touchdown kings will keep on emerging for superior brands, and we’ve got some of them here below the Meramec.
Jefferson’s offensive line is another example of 2023’s negative media slant. It’s hard for the newspapers to ignore tales of a full rebuilding job at any proud pigskin campus. Editors like the clear what-for in a headline, and High School previews are churned out quickly. TGG, however, maintains that the biggest advantage enjoyed by a Jefferson Blue Jays offensive line is not its credentials, experience, or size, but the fact that it’s a Jefferson line taught by JHS coaches.
Jeff County is without another “pure” Flexbone option-offense besides the Blue Jays; Hillsboro’s offense wants to bully people in the end, and Crystal City’s Veer-ish style makes Hornet running backs appear to be rubbing-up against opposing tacklers before bolting away from them. It makes Jefferson’s tactics so different from everyone else’s around the area that outstanding OLs from other teams might be poor fits at Blue Jay Drive, and vice versa. The JHS line could become good, bad, or indifferent in 2023, and in any case, it won’t be because it’s new.
If anything, TGG would worry about the defense at Jefferson High. When a Class 2 team takes a big graduation hit on the offensive line, it’s going to take a big old whoppin’ hit in the front-7 too. Opponents with hefty linemen like Grandview’s and Herculaneum’s could choose to give Coach Matt Atley’s team a dose of its own poison, controlling the ball for 7-8 minutes at a time with stubborn running.
Rushing for yards might not be good enough to out-score the ’23 Blue Jays, though, given the team’s weapons in the open field. Nate Breeze returns at WR after catching 8 TD passes from QB Kole Williams last season. Senior RB Max Schnitzler outpaced Williams and graduate Gavin “Well Done” Theodoro in YPC last campaign. In all, Jefferson’s going to be suiting up double-digit seniors, around 20 upperclassmen, and at least 40 total student-athletes on Varsity according to HUDL and STLToday. The numbers are in place for another late-year rally.
What scant roster info Jefferson has put online shows that while the OL and DL may be “rookies” in the starting-11, that doesn’t mean they’re all freshmen and sophomores. It’s also a great sign that the Blue Jays’ “high” jersey #s are requested right up to #99, not the sign of a skinny replacement crew.
Like Grandview, JHS ’23 could benefit from a friendlier schedule than often strikes R-7. Whatever progress Week 1 opponent Fredericktown has made becomes scrambled into uncertainty again with a new regime and meager upperclass numbers this summer. Cuba is the Week 2 rival that already sank into the MSHSAA cellar in 2022, while Jefferson’s Week 3 opponent Herculaneum is in comparable straits as Fredericktown if you substitute “new players” for “new coaches.” That gives JHS a possible path to a 3-win debut, or at least a 2-1 record, before hopping up the road to take on a fired-up bunch of Lancers.
St. Pius Lancers
The St. Pius X Jamboree clowned any idea that the 2023 Tri-City season will be “depressed” or “drained of talent.” The Varsity Lancers dressed out 35 boys or so for an event that featured Crystal City’s star studded ’23 lineup (well, almost), Perryville’s miracle of an improved Class 4 brand, and Lutheran South, an unfortunate pin-cushion due to the strength of 3 other preseason crews.
SPX played like it was Week 1 already, leading the exhibition tilt in touchdowns in front of a very pleased new head coach, Hillsboro High product Frank Ray. The Lancers stuffed Crystal City’s vaunted ground game, embarrassed Lutheran South, and once again fared well against PHS’s sizable set of bodies.
It was the vibe Hill Valley needed going into a mysterious Week 1 matchup versus the Clayton Greyhounds. Jefferson is among just a handful of Jeff County teams to keep its 2022 regular-season schedule completely intact for the supposed “flip” season of 2023 – St. Pius is among the teams who have adjusted. Brentwood’s quest to avoid ever playing a regular-season opponent that can snap the ball from scrimmage may be realized, for the Lancers aren’t facing BHS again. Clayton, however, is a “sleeping giant” of a Class 4 team that can always snap up.
Ray won’t be experimenting against C4 big-shots in Week 1. With glory, The Geek can report that Coach Ray has not brought an under-center option offense with him – aka Hillsboro Hawks Lite – to the Tri-Cities. It would have been the natural thing to do, but wise skippers like Ray have discovered that cross-town rivals who employ the same plays against each other (as Jefferson and SPX would if each Hillsboro-trained staff ran Hillsboro’s old playbook) are more than just bad for attendance and TV glamor and all that. It’s bad for winning too, because a program’s only hope to be a champion is to forge an identity of its own.
The St. Pius boys already know a formula to win at Hill Valley – A) run the heck out of a multiple offense until you break every defense down, B) develop a solid, reliable special-teams unit, and C) field a defense that eats metal. That fits into Coach Ray’s comfort zone as the DC who worked wonders for Leon Hall in 2021 and ’22. Transfers have trickled-in faster than they have left campus since Ray ascended the Lancers’ CEO chair, and SPX can now run at least 2 strings of Varsity-worthy players on both sides of the football. At the Jamboree, if you had told a naïve onlooker that St. Pius X was a Class 3 program, they would have believed you. QB James “The Constitution” Smith is capable of producing landslide victories, even in the autumn before an election year.
If St. Pius survives the Clayton Greyhounds date with a win, place, or show, there aren’t too many teams left in Weeks 2-9 who can cope with Ray’s big numbers and team speed on defense, seniors or no seniors. Week 2’s visitor Bishop DuBourg should be soundly beaten while the “Knight” is young. and Cuba is another out-of-conference team SPX is catching in the pits of an actual talent drain, not the one that occurs when some D1 kids from a large school nearby happen to graduate.
But can summer’s momentum (and transfers) overcome St. Pius’ fundamentals in 2023? There are, for all the hype and ballyhoo, only 3 seniors in the lineup. On paper, the Lancers are 12 months away. In the flesh, they don’t look half bad.
Much will depend on MSHSAA’s “draw” and the Class (1 or 2) that Hill Valley is slotted into as of this week. If a berth in Class 2 is the deal, then Ray will have to set realistic goals for a team that’s too youthful to hope for a win over Valle U. or another C2/C3 tycoon. The I-55 Conference title would become St. Pius X’s predominant goal to shoot for this season if the school is promoted.
However, a Class 1 bid would give Ray a legitimate chance to debut with a District championship, and earn Mississippi Magazine’s informal COTY award going-away. Friday’s Jamboree wasn’t a fair representation of the Crystal City Hornets, whose numbers demand all-hands-on-deck against burly opponents, and whose deadly weapon Kanden Bolton was standing on the sideline, chewing on sunflower seeds. Nonetheless, the Lancers’ 2-0 spanking of the Hornets did offer clues as to how Crystal City could be beaten in a District Championship Game if Pius the Tenth happens to be placed next to CCHS in a Class 1 bracket again, with a defense hell-bent on helmet smashing and pile-ups that take fire out of the swift Hornets, preventing the faster team from getting on the tracks. Duchesne is so weakened by May’s departures that the Pioneers could be upset in much the same way.
The Geek plans to live-blog Week 4’s Jefferson at St. Pius battle on Twitter/X, and trusts that the 2 bitter rivals will produce a closer scrum than some of TGG’s tries at live-reporting the “drama” of a 44-3 snoozer. Thanks for reading all 4 previews, and stay tuned for Mississippi and Suburban League forecasts later this week.